Navigating the world of polyamory often opens doors to new experiences and the chance for meaningful self-discovery. However, for those who find themselves stepping into the role of a hinge—connecting two or more partners who are not romantically involved with each other—the journey can be particularly complex, especially for those with a tendency to people please. While the desire to keep everyone happy can seem harmless, it can lead to significant emotional challenges that impact both the hinge and their relationships. In this article, we will explore the unique struggles faced by hinges who are people pleasers, shedding light on the delicate balance they must manage.

1. 1. Love is not Approval: At the heart of people-pleasing lies a sincere desire to ensure that everyone’s needs are met and that no one feels neglected. It is a set of behaviours that are sometimes rooted in early childhood experiences where love was tied with approval and where emotions like anger or sadness were ignored or shutdown. The caregiver may directly or indirectly send a message to the child that they must first accomodate someone else such as a sibling or a parent before they consider themselves. A child in this situations learns that in order to somehow have their owns needs met, they need to first adapt or please their caregivers in a way that elicits positive feedback. They learn to erase their own boundaries, put on a happy face, and sacrifice their own needs for the sake of others. 
   2. The Pressure to Keep Everyone Happy: In the early stages of the polyamorous dynamic where the hinge is growing towards love and desire for two people, they may feel elated that harmony exists and that they have finally found the relationships that are right for them. They feel a sense of completeness as they experience the benefits of reciprocated love from all directions. As time passes, a slowly escalating sense of anxiety and fear develops as each challenge arises in the relationships for which the hinge must do all of the necessary emotional labour in order to return to peace again. For a hinge, this can become an overwhelming burden. It often means that they place their own needs on the back burner, focusing instead on the emotional well-being of their partners. The constant worry about maintaining equilibrium can lead to stress and anxiety, as the hinge may feel responsible for managing the emotional climate and satisfaction between their partners. This pressure can become exhausting, leading to burnout and a tendency to shut-down or flee the relationships.
   3. Difficulty Setting Boundaries: People pleasers often struggle with establishing healthy boundaries. The fear of disappointing others can make the act of placing a boundary feel almost impossible. The feelings of guilt and shame associated with having any needs at all means that when the inevitable moment arrives where a hinge must say no, they are forced to face the mounting pressure of a long overdue need for change. In a polyamorous setting, where each partner has their own unique needs and expectations, this challenge can be magnified. A hinge may find it particularly difficult to sit with the contradictions of differing needs and expectations in each relationship. This can lead to situations where the hinge overextends themselves—taking on more than they can handle, failing to voice their own emotional needs, and ultimately feeling stretched beyond their capacity. The inability to assert personal boundaries creates a cycle of resentment and self-blame. The hinge may see themselves as the problem, their historic ability to meet the needs of others may have been something they prided themselves on and now here, in this impossible situation, they see themselves as the deficient one.
   4. Emotional Turmoil and Resentment: As a hinge who prioritises pleasing others, emotional turmoil can arise from unspoken needs and desires. A foundation built on the desire to keep partners satisfied may result in unbalanced dynamics—where the hinge sacrifices their own happiness for the sake of harmony. Over time, suppressed emotions can culminate in feelings of resentment, contributing to a toxic dynamic. This can lead to outbursts of anger or periods of depression where they can no longer cope with the distressing expectation of emotional management. This emotional burden can also lead to feelings of inadequacy, as the hinge grapples with the fear of not being able to fulfil everyone’s expectations. What value do they have if they cannot keep everyone happy? Will their partners leave them if they are unable to fulfil their duty? Is there some hidden path towards harmony that they just can’t see? Ultimately, the answer for a people-pleasing hinge is one that may feel out of reach: the slow and gradual development of a sense of self and personal boundaries, which they can advocate for, even in the face of disappointment.
   5. Jealousy and Comparison: In polyamorous relationships, the interconnectedness of partners can give rise to complex emotions, including jealousy and comparison. A hinge who tends to people please may feel particularly vulnerable in these situations, as they might perceive themselves as responsible for their partners’ feelings. They may become disoriented as they switch between various parts of themselves that are oriented towards the satisfaction of their partners. If any of their partners also have other partners, the hinge may feel extreme jealousy at the thought of their partner supporting someone else or demonstrating an ability to meet their needs in a way that the hinge craves so deeply. Witnessing the joy and connection between their partners can bring up insecurities, leading to the notion that they must compete for their attention or affection. This added pressure can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy, further complicating the hinge’s emotional landscape.
   6. The Importance of Self-Respect: Ultimately, hinges who are people pleasers must recognise that knowing and respecting their own needs is vital to maintaining healthy relationships. The act of prioritising one’s own needs can often feel like an act of selfishness and they grapple with the familiar feelings of guilt and shame that their inner critic has always emphasised throughout their life. It takes a big dose of bravery and discomfort to begin putting into words the boundaries and requests that the hinge has always hoped their partner would spontaneously and intuitively know. A hinge must learn to  communicate openly with their partners about their needs and desires. They can start by sharing their intention to work on these things with their partners and give them a chance to understand and opt-in for supporting  them while they take small steps. Sustainability is built over time when the hinge feels comfortable, asking for change or taking time for themselves without the fear of disappointment for meeting their own needs.  

Where to from here: Being a hinge in a polyamorous relationship while grappling with people-pleasing tendencies presents a unique set of challenges. The perpetual desire to keep partners happy comes at a cost, leading to emotional exhaustion, difficulty setting boundaries, and unfulfilled needs. It’s essential for hinges to embark on a journey of self-discovery, recognising their worth and the importance of their own happiness. They must also lean into the belief that their partners want them to be happy too. By fostering open communication, embracing vulnerability, and committing to self-care, hinges can navigate this delicate balance, ultimately cultivating fulfilling and nourishing relationships that honour each individual’s needs—not just their partners’, but their own as well.